Food, family and awkward arguments

Expert advice on how to deal with hostile conversations during the holidays

Jacqueline Peraza | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

This holiday season, many students, staff and faculty may find themselves celebrating Thanksgiving in new ways amid the COVID-19 pandemic. However, those who will reunite with family might run into conflict when conversing about the year’s events. 

UTRGV Clinical Therapist Maria Alejandra Mazariegos offered the UTRGV community some tips to calm hostile Thanksgiving conversations with family members who might have differing political views.

“This is how I think of it, just because somebody puts a topic on the table doesn’t mean you have to grab that topic,” Mazariegos said. “So, if you are not comfortable talking about it, or you don’t want to get into a debate, you don’t have to pick that topic from the table.”

She said if the topic is something that continues to be brought up, individuals can sit back and listen or simply remove themselves from the situation.

“Go outside, go to the restroom or try changing the topic,” Mazariegos said. “If you don’t want to get into a debate, you don’t have to. You can avoid it.”

Many times, avoiding a controversial topic is not always an easy thing to do with some families, she said.

“For some families debating or, you know, battles, is part of their holiday traditions,” Mazariegos said. “It’s just part of the dynamics during their holidays. However, we also know that can be really stressful. So, you’re obviously not going to change your family dynamic this Thanksgiving, but you can be in control of what you, as an individual, decide to engage in. So, my advice would be if you want to engage, engage. … If you choose not to engage, there’s many options for not engaging.”

When asked about neutral topics to speak about when trying to avoid conflict, she advises people to try to “go to town” with small talk. 

“If somebody is bringing up a topic that is [something] you don’t want to talk about, a really easy thing to do is to turn a question back around on them, like, ‘Hey, tell me about your plans for Christmas. Tell me about how you’ve been doing. Talk to me about you,’” Mazariegos said. “‘How are you doing? Are you eating? Are you sleeping? What do you do for fun?’”

She also offered advice to anyone experiencing anxiety about upcoming holiday celebrations amid the pandemic.

“It’s important to remember that once you’re over 18, you’re an adult,” Mazariegos said. “So, you can make that choice to actually forego in-person Thanksgiving. That may sound really, really drastic, but we have so much technology nowadays. There’s no reason why you can’t have your Thanksgiving meal wherever you feel safe, and video call your family members and have them put your phone or tablet at your place at the table. If you’re going to go ahead and jeopardize your well-being, it’s not worth it.”

She said she believes setting those boundaries are part of caring for yourself and showing self-love.

“Before approaching this holiday season, take some time to individually think about where your comfort levels are at,” Mazariegos said. “Ask yourself, ‘how comfortable am I with distance, with time, with location and with certain people?’ Not only for your well-being physically and medically, but also for your well-being emotionally and mentally.”