What the heck am I supposed to do?

Fernanda Figueroa | THE RIDER

Entering my last undergrad semester, a scary thought crossed my mind, “I am not prepared for what comes after graduation.” I have always had plan A through Z for everything in my life but right now “I don’t even have a plan.”

For me, the world has never seemed scarier. In less than a month, I’ll begin applying to graduate programs. I know what schools I am applying to, for what degree, but I don’t know whether I’ll get in or not and that’s the real daunting part.

College applications aren’t all that terrifying. The real kicker is the mixture of 500-word essays asking why this school, who are you or where do you see yourself in five years. I have always found the why this school question terribly hard and the who you are question throws me into an existential crisis. I’m 21 years old, I don’t really know who I am yet.

I am not expecting to get rejected but I’m also realistic. Colleges look at everything and while my grades are top tier, if I do say so myself, I fear that compared to at least 100 of the applicants I lack a bit of experience. I may be in the military, but I really doubt these graduate programs will care. As for journalistic experience I’ve only worked in media relations for approximately a year and just became a reporter this semester, but I haven’t really done anything amazing or written a groundbreaking story, yet, hopefully.

I don’t fear rejection, actually I embrace it. It motivates me to do better. But if I apply to a graduate program and I don’t get accepted, I don’t know where to go on from there. I wouldn’t even know where to start or who to ask. Just writing about it is giving me a panic attack.

How do I start looking for a job? Am I supposed to finally move out from home? What if I can’t get a job? Am I going to have to work in retail? Please, no, I don’t want to go back there. I am at a loss at what am I supposed to do if plan A doesn’t work out.

If I get accepted into a graduate program that will be amazing but what am I supposed to do then? How do I start packing to leave home? God, I’m going to have to leave home. Where do I start looking for an apartment? Do I want an apartment? They are so expensive. Am I going to have to get two jobs? I don’t know how to cook anything other than pasta. How much are groceries? I’m going to need a new car, mine doesn’t work anymore. I don’t want to drive in a new city, I barely know the roads here. Do I come back home during breaks? Where do I buy furniture? I don’t know how much things are supposed to cost!

I can’t wait to graduate and have all my hard work pay off, but I don’t know what will happen after. The not knowing is supposed to make life exciting, an adventure, but it is throwing me into panic attacks and an existential crisis. I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry or do both. I know it will all work out in the end, hopefully, but right now I’ll probably keep asking more and more questions, wondering, panicking and probably crying until I have plan A through Z ready.