In the digital age, a lot of terms designed for therapized settings between a mental health professional and their client have been used haphazardly in casual conversation. Someone who wants things neat is totally being “OCD” about their space, and someone who suddenly wants to dye their hair is having “intrusive thoughts.”
While these are all misused in day-to-day speech and tend to perpetuate misinformation (No, intrusive is not synonymous with impulsive). Nothing stands out to me more than the misuse of the term “boundaries.” I hear it thrown around to and fro, particularly in conversations about monogamous relationships.
In a clinical setting, “boundaries” is a psychological term defined as an action you, the individual, will take to protect your mental or emotional well-being, or your physical safety, according to the L.A. Concierge Psychologist website. For example, a boundary one might have is that in the presence of inebriated adults, they will remove themselves from the situation. The reasoning is that they don’t like being around drunk people. Notice how the action of a boundary extends to actions one takes for themselves; you would not tell others not to drink because you don’t like it.
What’s not a healthy “boundary” is making your partner unfollow everyone of the opposite sex on Instagram. If you told your grandpa about this, he’d look at you like you’re crazy. If you told your mom about this, she’d shake her head and go, “Ay, no.” But this is something I’ve observed countless times.
What differentiates this from a real boundary is that this is not an action you are taking; it’s an action you are forcing another person to take. Because if they were to not do it, you would punish this partner by admonishing them or terminating the relationship. Ask yourself then, what safety net is cast by this action?
I don’t think everyone who does this or something similar is some master manipulator who’s out to harm the people they love. There’s much more nuance to the world of interpersonal relationships. I would just like honesty and transparency to be people’s first thought instead of masking what is controlling behavior as something it is not.
Many therapists and mental health professionals can teach their clients to reflect inward and lead them to conclusions they must realize about themselves, according to The Jed Foundation. To misappropriate these hyperspecific terms with the intention to control is a disservice to the work they do, and most of all, a disservice to yourself in the pursuit of emotional maturity. You might find that when your partner or a friend has had enough, their own boundaries will lead them to removing themselves from your life. And who wants that?
