Caught between the beats and the boy

Lately, Drake’s sad songs have been hitting a little too close to home.

I’ve always liked “Jaded” and “Hotline Bling”; they are the kind of songs you play at 2 a.m. with the volume low and your feelings high. But recently, they’ve started to feel very personal. It is like someone took how I’ve been feeling about this boy and made it into a beat.

So, I like this boy. A lot. It’s the kind of liking where you start to build a quiet little daydream around someone, where you imagine what it might feel like if they actually chose you. If they were consistent, if they weren’t so painfully confusing, but he is confusing. He is so confusing that it started to hurt in places I didn’t think liking someone could reach. Some days he’s sweet: texting me first, making me feel like maybe I actually matter to him. And then, it is complete silence, like I imagined the whole connection and tricked myself into thinking this was something more than a casual flicker of interest.

That’s when my playlist starts playing in my head, a soundtrack to my confusion.

“Yes, I’m hurting, yes, I’m jaded.” I hear it and I feel it. I’m not trying to be overly dramatic, but there’s something so specific about the ache that comes from wanting someone who only shows up for their own convenience, who gets your hopes up only to leave them unanswered.

And “Hotline Bling”? Don’t even bother me with that song. No one understands that song the way I do. That song used to be fun, a vibe. Now as I experience this, it definitely hits. “You used to call me on my cell phone, late night when you need my love.” I’ve stared at my phone so many nights, hoping for a text or a call that doesn’t come.

I’m only needed when HE wants. Yet, I’m still wondering if he’s thinking about me, or if I’m already a faded thought in his mind.

This emotional stress is exhausting. I feel stuck in this weird in-between space, not together, but not completely apart either. He gives me just enough to keep hoping but not enough to feel secure. And because I like him, I keep trying to fill in blanks that I wish he felt. That’s the exhausting part about liking someone who won’t just say what they feel or mean. You do the effort for the both of you. You explain their behavior and the mixed signals to yourself as if it were a different language.

So yeah, Drake is ruining me right now. Not because his songs are sad, but because they are true. They are the exact emotional mess I am stuck in: wanting someone who clearly doesn’t want you. Wanting someone who might care, but doesn’t show it in a way that feels safe. Wanting someone who’s probably not even sure what they want, but somehow, it’s still enough to keep me hanging on. I am not sure where this goes. Maybe, he will come around; maybe he won’t. But for now, I’m stuck in this confusing, frustrating, heartaching space and, apparently, so is Drake (sometimes).

At least I’ve got the music to keep me company.