I hate October. Itโs full of creeps dressing up trying to scare people. Haunted houses are the worst things ever created; jump out at me and Iโm slapping the s–t out you, plain and simple. Just a while ago, I was walking around campus getting my 10,000 steps in, โcause I do this, but thatโs besides the point, when some freaks dressed as clowns, nuns from โThe Purgeโ and that creepy kid from โItโ tried to scare me, but I donโt jump now, I make money moves, word to my girl, Cardi B.
People may get scared watching horror movies or Fox News, but whatโs scary to me is those moments in sports when you can see the murder coming from a mile away, but the victim just doesnโt know his inevitable death, or posterization, is about to go down.
Score a fourth-quarter touchdown to take the lead with minutes, or even seconds left on the clock, all good, right? Oh, you poor baby. You forgot youโre playing against Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers and are about to be carved up and your heart ripped out of your chest like Jim Carrey does to homeboy in โDumb and Dumber.โ The last thing you want to face as a defense on the football field with any time left on the clock is a technician with pinpoint accuracy and ice water running through his veins, like Brady and Rodgers. Cowboys fans saw this firsthand when Rodgers ripped them earlier this season to win a game in the last few minutes, but Cowboy fans love horror anyway, as you can tell from their adoration for Freddy Krueger, I mean Jerry Jones.
We constantly see burials on the basketball court. Only man back on defense against a LeBron James or Russell Westbrook fast break? RIP in peace. Those dudes run at the rim with reckless abandon and will not hesitate to put you through the rim and six feet under. I think LeBronโs love for dunking people to death comes from losing his hair, thatโs why he dunks on dudesโ heads. Get slammed on by Russ? Itโs OK, he may dress funky half the time but the brodie is an aggressive dancer, which directly translates to killer on the court.
I know people freakinโ out over โIt,โ but you wanna get truly clowned? Be the last line of defense on the soccer field with Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo coming at you full speed ahead. At only 5 feet 7 inches, the unassuming Messi will lull you to sleep with his hypnotizing ball skills and strike when you least expect it, causing nightmares for goalies around the globe. Now if Ronaldo is the one running at you, donโt be distracted by his beauty. Yes, heโs gorgeous, bronze and probably uses the same gel Cameron Diaz used in โThereโs Something About Mary,โ but donโt let that fool you. The man will send a rocket right by your head and leave you wondering, โWhat in the hell was that and why is he so damn handsome?โ
When it comes to the Octagon, stepping inside is scary enough. Now, add Nick or Nate Diaz standing on the other side of the cage throwing double birds your way and you better be scurred. How you gonna fight a dude giving you the finger in the middle of the fight, calling you every curse word imaginable while laughing and throwing Stockton Slaps your way? Nick Diaz literally laid down and rested his head on his hand during a fight against arguably the greatest mixed martial artist to ever live, Anderson Silva. Straight psycho stuff. I want no part of that, and if you do, you just as bananas as the Diaz brothers.
Those are some of the scariest scenarios one can encounter on the field, court or in the Octagon, and if you do, may the good Lord be with you. Happy Halloween. I hope itโs horrible.
